June 16, 2008

The PKU clinic is only held on one half day a month, in the morning. It makes it hard to get appointments and difficult to get there. They must be used to this though as a train timetable always seem available when making appointments. My appointment was for noon but the train wasn't due in until 12.03. On the way extra stations were added to the stopping pattern. I started getting clammy as I considered what to do. Getting from points A to B can trigger off an anxiety response in me. I calmed myself, saying that at least the train was heading in the right direction and still moving - I'd get there when I'd get there. On arriving at the hospital, I forgot what floor to go to, so I went to all of them. I walked in and the place seemed deserted. I was asked if I'd had a blood test recently, I admitted that I hadn't done one this month. I said that I thought that the last one wasn't too good. This facilitated a conversation about what was 'good' and what was 'bad' I admitted that when a result was 'good' ie on the low side, I felt encouraged, but when it was 'bad' ie high, especially if it was higher than I was expecting,I felt pretty awful and got depressed about it. I seem to internalize the whole process and blame myself - I take it all so personally. I need to find a way to channel all of that into something positive. Apparently it is quite common for people with pku to have odd attitudes to food, including the guilt thing. This stems from learning about food choices in childhood ie 'good foods' and 'bad foods' So 'good' and 'bad' need to be replaced in adulthood with ideas of what foods are better for my particular needs and which aren't. Visits to a psychologist have been recommended, some people have found it helpful with food issues.